Saturday, April 25, 2009

Final Tables

Wow, so since I turned 18 I've made so much progress. Everyday I feel like I'm getting better. I've consistently made a good profit at 1/2 NL live cash games up at the casino. I took down first place in a 120 player freeroll on my birthday the very first time playing.

Last night I made the final table in the 185 dollar buyin monthly deepstack tournament there as well. Placed in 8th though since I had a short stack, blinds hit me hard and I found myself desperate to make a move. However I had no fold equity and ended up getting it in far behind twice to be eliminated. I believe the first shove was a mistake, I doubled up the other short stack and lost half my stack. The second move, the one that knocked me out of the tournament is completely standard and it was unfortunate that the other guy showed up with a wired pair of threes. Coinflips are not fun when you're on the losing end lol.

I finally got half of a bankroll started on pokerstars and am in the process of moving my main bankroll around, hopefully will be able to get half of that put on pokerstars eventually so I can take over the 1/2 nl games there as well. mmm. 2/4 nl is just as soft though.. so if I can build up a 8-10k roll I'll definately be a regular in that game. I'd also like to play all the sunday majors.

I'm planning on taking out about 1k to pay for a personal trip to new york, but I'm still trying to figure out the details. I have a lot of previous commitments to consider and I really need to start planning things better as far as tournaments go. I wish I didn't live 3 hrs away from the eagle. The games are so soft up there, I'd be there every night crushing the tables if I could. Too bad the other casinos are all 21+, such a stupid rule.

It feels like Florida around here lately. Especially up in Mount Pleasant. Last night was one of the best nights of the year so far, even though I came up short of 1st place. The side action in the cash games was phenomenal. Met a couple of my new friends from a few weeks ago as well. They're good players but I think they are struggling with some of the same issues I had in my own game. Especially the over aggression. I still need to watch myself, but overall I feel like I have more discipline lately to pull longer sessions.

I want to put in even more hours and not only focus on playing well, but actually studying and preparing more mentally before sessions. I feel like if I devote too much time to improving my game, I may become dull to non poker players.. It's hard to come up with good conversation topics when my whole world revolves around this deeply intense, mentally demanding game.
Not that I don't try my best to be nice and social to people :) thats just me.

There is so much more I'd like to do, I just have to work harder to make things happen.
I really want to take a vacation. Hopefully with him. Hes treated me better in the past few weeks, I appreciate what he's done for me. I just want things to come together the way we planned. It'll take away a lot of stress once I'm there. Not many people can understand this.

Anyhow, I'm exhausted. It's amazing what 15 hr sessions do to you even with proper sleep.
Think I'm going to take a few days off. Hey, this is my job and I'm my own boss. I wouldn't have it any other way. Can't wait to relax once I make it to New York.

-Sydney

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fear

The definition of fear is being afraid, feeling anxious, and apprehensive about a possible event or situation. Being concerned about something. Another emotion that tries to take over your mind. It's a basic survival mechanism that were all born with. Wikipedia on the subject states that "Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat." How much more simple life would be if we were all emotionless, numb to feeling and expression, but would that make life any better?

Can we control our fears? Can we control anxiety? Can we overcome it? I don't think there is an exact answer. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own demons. I've come to realize that my fears have started to hold me back from living, from understanding. My fears are holding me back from being myself. I know what I want out of life, but I've chosen to ignore knowledge, facts, and discipline. I've always acted based on feelings. I've let my feelings control me for so long. I want to make a good solid decision for once. I have so much more to learn.

Sometimes the solid truth contradicts everything you know and anything that makes sense. You have to relearn, retrain your mind to accept certain things. I want to understand myself and others better. Everything is so confusing sometimes. I have to start with a foundation first and build up. I have to look before I leap and all that jazz. I have to focus on myself for once. People will always come and go. I have to be deeply honest with myself.

Fear and anxiety have been holding me back from standing on my own two feet. I've held on for a long time, but it's time for me to be brave and make sound, realistic and knowledgeable decisions. I can not and will not allow feelings to govern my words and actions anymore. I refuse to act based on impulse. I can't change who I am, but I can control myself. I have the drive, the passion and purpose.. but I need discipline and more patience. Patience.

All of this doesn't just apply to my life, it applies to my poker game. I need to control my impulses and act based on sound knowledge. Yes sometimes things are instinctual, but without a foundation under your feet, everything falls apart. I long for wisdom and understanding.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards"
-Soren Kierkegaard

I'm going to strive to be in accord with my complexes. To first understand myself better than anyone, then I'll be able to understand others. I'm going to overcome my anxiety and fears. I'm going to make it happen. I always make it happen. Just need to keep working harder and push myself to improve and learn. I know I'm strong enough to do this. Focus. I know I have what it takes. Patience and Discipline.

-Sydney